* "Lose the 'Old Country,' Damned Immigrants!"

I'm tired of these immigrants to the grand ol' U.S.A. who refuse to assimilate. You know who I mean. For instance, there's this town in Nebraska I drive through on the way to my wive's in SoDak: since it dubs itself the "Swedish Capital of Nebraska," many of its business signs sport the foreign word, Valkommen. (This may be some code word to new illegal Swedes, for all I know, still sneaking in by the buggy-load . . . from Minnesota?) Let's ASSIMILATE, people! We didn't let you into this country so that you could cling to the antique foreigner ways of your ethnic isolationism—which, from what I hear on the talk radio, consist mainly of sexual and socialist perversions.